It’s 2025 and we’ve had another presidential election. One third of the country is in despair about it, a third is uncomfortably wondering what genie they let out of the bottle, another third is blindly, blissfully joyful, and I’m still not allowed to watch the news. The dogs, in case you’re wondering, are fine with it. All pets are Communists. They provide no output other than unconditional love and disgusting things I have to bag up and throw away. They live free off the state (which in this case is me and Mrs. I’m Not Allowed to Watch The News) and are unaffected by distant regime change. Since we’re not dogs, it’s time to face some unpleasant truths about America and start focusing on what’s next instead of what happened. It’s actually the American Way, if you think about it. We get our heads out of our asses, quit our bitching, and figure out the best way to serve the cause of the United States of America on this episode of I’m Not Allowed to Watch the News. Help us out: ...
It’s December, 1777. General George Washington stops his horse on the side of the road to watch his army march past. “March” is a loose term for what the soldiers were actually doing. Many didn’t have proper shoes. Most didn’t have coats or blankets. Many had to be supported by their comrades as they walked. The enemy—the British Army and Navy—had taken the capital of Philadelphia and sent the Continental Congress into exile. These Congressmen weren’t the heavy hitters of 1776—John Adams and Benjamin Franklin were in Europe desperately trying to get loans and alliances. Thomas Jefferson and John Hancock had gone home. The ones who were left were unable to raise money or keep the army supplied. Their priorities were foreign money and foreign alliances—not the army. And once the British drove them from the capital, their priorities narrowed down to their own survival. Washington had 11,000 men left, and they had spent most of the year getting beaten by the British. Their enlistments were...